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  • Ain the Clydesdale

    Tue, 21 Oct 2008 21:14:35 -0800

    AIN-ALAR JUHANSON WINS CLYDESDALE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS

    Estonian big man, Ain-alar Juhanson was the first Clydesdale to finish the Ford Ironman World Championships. Yeah, I know his website lists him at a svelte 94 kilos, but we recorded his official pre-race weight (buck naked … and no, we don’t have photos) at 97 kilos on the Multisports.com “Biggest Loser” scale.

    Juhanson rumbled, bumbled, and stumbled around the course in 8:46:43. Not since the days of Paul “Big Daddy” Huddle, has the Ironman seen a fat bastard move this quickly. When contacted, Huddle had this to say: “8:46:00? Give me a break. I went 8:26 two years in a row at 185 lbs. I was two nights at the Banyan Tree Buffet away from 200. Give me a break. I could’ve gone 8:46 at 250 lbs. – and we had a tougher course.”

    No one over 200 lbs. finished within the same zip code as Juhanson. “I was really firing on all 36 cylinders,” said Juhanson. “All week long I watched what I ate, and I ate what I watched. I don’t know if it was the humidity or what, but the food went down like butter. On second thought, maybe it was the butter.”

    Juhanson’s race best 4:26 bike split was the cornerstone of his fast finish. Said Ain, “When I get my caboose moving, there’s not much stopping me. I’ve seen pictures of Madame Pele. No offense, but I bet I have a good 10 kilos on her.”

    Asked to speak about his 3:16 marathon Juhanson had this to day: “I didn’t think I’d lose strength when I dropped from 100 kilos to 97, but I just didn’t have the usual pep in my step. Plus, without the extra 3 kilos I wasn’t sweating as profusely as usual, which caused a few over heating issues. Next year I’ll be a little more thorough at the dinner trough.”

    At any rate, notice is served to all you Clydesdales out there. You better be watching your back bacon. I don’t want to hear any crying about how hard it is because you’re over 200 lbs. There’s a new fat man in town, and his name is Ain-alar Juhanson.